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...You can't hide the truth from them


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Saturday, 20 February 2010

Cranky day ...

I did something stupid the other day - press-ups without a warm up.  Every now and then I get this urge to do something that I used to be able to do without as much cost or effort to the body as it does now.  Sometimes it's my 50 press-ups, sometimes it's me going mad at the kick-bag.  Did I ignore the warm up on purpose?  Nope, it just didn't register.  This is one of the side effects of my PTSD:  I can forget the simple things.  Yet when I drive my car, everything's under control and I don't forget anything.  I might forget to put something in the car (like forgetting my camera batteries and memory cards on my trip to Calais in January!)  but I won't forget to check the oil level in the car engine, tyre pressure, washer-water levels etc or my driving methods.

If I have made a new acquaintance and I don't hear from them in a little while, I forget who they are.  If they've managed to get themselves into my long term memory and I don't hear from them, the same can happen.  Some people seem to be able to stay caught in the net of my memory.  It gets embarrasing though because people automatically seem to assume that you don't value them because you didn't remember them.  Being a caring sort of bloke I tell them about my disability and how it affects my short term memory but they think that you're telling them porkies and you see that empty smile and on their faces, maybe catch their eyes glazing over or rolling up into the back of their heads ... or the verbal response, 'Yeah, pull the other one.'

One of the reasons that I stopped attending any sort of dance class (salsa or bachata) was simply because when I got to a few moves down the routine I couldn't remember any more because I need more time than the average person to remember certain things and I need to be able to do it properly in my own mind and understand it ... feel it.  The situation isn't helped though when you have teachers that change the routine part way through .  Most of them make something up on the night.  I've not met one yet that hasn't changed something part way through teaching the routine.  They should go and talk to some professional teachers or trainers about training methods as it'll help them a lot.  It doesn't matter what you teach - the preparation needs to be done.  If I want to learn something now I watch it on you tube and practise by myself and then try to find someone at one of the parties to practise with me a little - or I'll just try it and keep improving it - with a little luck.

Dancing's fun though and it gets you to move your body.  Salsa parties aren't the same as night clubs.  Most people are there for the dance and there's a code.  If someone asks you to dance - you dance.  Not everyone follows that code though and you soon learn to avoid those people.  You generally don't get trouble at real salsa parties, providing the organisers are responsible.  I've been to the odd do where there have been a couple of drunken people messing around on the floor but those parties have been few and far between.  One of the problems of living with PTSD are the additional difficulties that can cause physical sypmtoms because of the isolation I live with.  I have quite a few injuries from a previously very active life style.  If I don't move my body through some decent exercise at least once a week I get that deep bone pain through inactivity.  Salsa and bachata are good coping mechanisms for this.  So's having a walking machine and doing a little on it everyday.  It still doesn't stop me walking like an old man sometimes at the end of the night when I walk from my car to my front door!  Pain is pain ... bit it's good to fight it.

Today's a little cranky because of the amount of physical pain in my body.  It impacts the PTSD and keeps me off-balance, so the best thing to do is to keep myself to myself at such times.  I have a tear at an old injury  site and recognise the pain and restricted movement as well as what I need to do to cope with it.  At times like this being near another person that doesn't know me well can be detrimental to my efforts at balancing out and dealing with the difficulties ... but it'll get more manageable soon ;o)

Hope you're having a lovely weekend,

Wolf

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